May 14th, 2021 – BabylonBee.com
ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has updated its guidelines and announced that you no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain. The guidelines had been put in place last year during a particularly rainy March, and although many experts had claimed we would just have to wear the life jackets for a couple of weeks, mandates remained in place for well over a year.
But now, even hardcore pro-life jacket agencies like the CDC have admitted it is time to take the life jackets off and go about our lives.
“Look, unfortunately, the rainy season is just about over,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. “We had hoped it would last forever, but even we must admit, you no longer have to put a life jacket on when going outside.” However, the updated rule only applies to people who have taken swimming lessons at an approved swim lesson site. Still, many say this is progress over the strict and sometimes anti-science position taken by the CDC throughout the flood season.
“But we will still remain vigilant, and life jackets may become a seasonal thing worn every October through April to stay safe.”
Despite the updated guidelines, many liberals announced they would continue to wear life jackets until the chance of drowning in a sudden freak flash flood hit 0%.
“This is way too soon,” said Krissy Mackinaw of Austin, Texas as she watched people walk by without life jackets. “Look at these anti-science neanderthals walking around!” Her state of Texas removed the life jacket mandate several months ago, causing many experts to predict there would be a massive spike in drownings, but none of those predictions of doom came true. “You’re all going to die!” she screamed at passersby as she put a snorkel on.