The Best Of The Worst Country-western Song Titles

1 – Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

2 – Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

3 – Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye

4 – Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

5 – How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

6 – How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?

7 – I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

8 – I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

9 – I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

10 – I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

11 – I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

12 – I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

13 – I Wanna Whip Your Cow

14 – I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!

15 – I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

16 – I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

17 – I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

18 – I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

19 – I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

20 – I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line

21 – If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

22 – If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low

23 – If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

24 – If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

25 – If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

26 – Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)

27 – My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

28 – My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus

29 – My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

30 – My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

31 – Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

32 – Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill

33 – She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

34 – She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

35 – She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

36 – She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty

37 – Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone

38 – They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out

39 – Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

40 – When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In

41 – You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too

42 – You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

43 – You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

44 – You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

45 – You’re The Reason Our Baby’s So Ugly but I’m still not over you

46 – I Married Her Just Because She Looks Like You

47 – My Tears Have Washed “I Love You” Off The Blackboard Of My Heart

48 – Don’t Cry On My Shoulders ‘Cause You’re Rustin’ My Spurs

49 – I Can’t Love Your Body If Your Heart’s Not In It

50 – I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She’s Out Of Town

51 – I’ll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him

52 – I’m Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home

53 – I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here

54 – If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick I’ll Fall In Love

55 – It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

56 – Learning To Live Again Is Killing Me

57 – Please Bypass This Heart

58 – She’s Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without

59 – Do You Love As Good As You Look?

60 – I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You

61 – I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

62 – If You Don’t Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife

63 – Timber, I’m Falling in Love

64 – You’re the First Time I Thought About Leaving

65 – Love Will Beat Your Brains Out

66 – Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

67 – It Ain’t Love but It Ain’t Bad

68 – The Pint of No Return

69 – This Time I’m Gonna Beat You to the Truck

70 – Hell Stays Open All Night

71 – I’d Be Better Off in a Pine Box

72 – I’ve Got You on My Conscience But At Least You’re Off My Back

73 – Bridge Washed Out, I Can’t Swim and My Baby’s on the Other Side

74 – The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had

75 – She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye

76 – We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It’s All Over

77 – If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I’m Checking Out on You)

78 – It Don’t Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good

79 – If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I’d Find On You

80 – She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

81 – The Last Word In Lonesome Is “me”

82 – When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town

83 – You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

84 – He’s Been Drunk Since His Wife’s Gone Punk

85 – I Bought the Boots That Just Walked Out On Me

86 – Ever Since I Said “I Do,” There’s a Lot of Things You Don’t

87 – The Next Time You Throw That Fryin’ Pan, My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There

88 – I Don’t Know Whether to Come Home or Go Crazy

89 – If You Can’t Feel It (It Ain’t There)

90 – Her Body Couldn’t Keep You Off My Mind

91 – I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

92 – I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine

93 – I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

94 – I Knew I’d Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You

95 – I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

96 – I Meant Every Word That He Said

97 – I’m Not Married But The Wife Is

98 – If Whiskey Were A Woman I’d Be Married For Sure

99 – Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

100 – Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love

101 – Tennis Must Be Your Racket ‘Cause Love Means Nothin’ To You

102 – What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)

103 – Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?

And I’ve saved the best for last:

If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me – by the great Jimmy Buffett

PS – If you like to listen to country music click here for a very nice playlist on YouTube