Published Mon, Jun 19 20239:46 AM EDTUpdated 5 Hours Ago
Dr. Jessica Griffin, Contributor@THEDRJESSICA
Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Contributor@PEPPERSCHWARTZ
Communication rules of the most successful relationships
If you already use these rules of engagement when you argue, your relationship is more successful than most:
- We will be honest but not cruel.
- There will be no name-calling or shaming.
- Our goal will be to resolve this so we can move forward.
- We will not leave the conversation, but it’s okay to ask for a 20-minute break.
- We will assume that we both want the same things — to connect and to improve our relationship.
- We will take the stance of “it’s you and me against the problem, not you against me.”
- We will try to use “I feel” statements instead of blaming each other.
- We will state positive needs (e.g., “I need to feel closer to you.”).
It’s critical for you and your partner to agree that the rules of engagement include tact as well as truth. This will help the both of you get to the root of your problems without severing your emotional connection.
When couples can give each other the space for their opinions to be fully stated, and then ask questions about those opinions, as opposed to just insisting on their own opinions (or leaving the scene), softer feelings have time to surface.
These warm feelings are the glue that hold successful couples together.
Jessica Griffin, PsyD, is a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Massachusetts Chan Medical School. She is also the co-author of ”Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection.” Follow Jessica on Twitter and Instagram.
Pepper Schwartz, PhD, is a sexuality expert and co-author of ”Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection.” She is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, where she created the Pepper Schwartz Fellowship on Intimate Relationships and Sexuality. Follow Pepper on Twitter and Instagram.
This common two-word phrase is the ‘worst thing’ a parent can tell a child, says education expert
Published Sun, Jun 18 20239:00 AM EDT
Every small child gets anxious sometimes. But when your kid is panicking, there’s a common two-word phrase you should never utter: Calm down.
That’s according to Rachel Romer, CEO and co-founder of education assistance benefits company Guild, who’s a mom to two children. For kids especially, she says, calmness is best taught through demonstration.
“I’m in the middle of parenting two little 4-year-olds, and I think about when they are anxious, saying ‘calm down’ is about the worst thing you can tell a 4-and-a-half-year-old,” Romer recently said on Guild’s “Opportunity Divide” podcast, in an episode featuring leadership researcher Brené Brown and Wharton organizational psychologist Adam Grant.
Brown and Grant agreed. Saying “calm down” doesn’t validate the child’s emotions or help them understand their feelings, and can even unintentionally come across as dismissive, they said.
Managing an emotion like anxiety is a complex task, Grant added, recalling a 2014 published dissertation in the Journal of Experimental Psychology by a researcher named Alison Wood Brooks.
“What she found was, when you ask people, ‘What do you do when you’re anxious and what do you tell other people to do?,’ [more than 80%] of people said ‘calm down,’ but they couldn’t do it, because we all know anxiety is an intense, highly activated emotion, and it doesn’t just go away,” Grant said.
The trio recommended two exercises to help children better manage their heightened emotions.
Do controlled breathing together
First, practice breathing together.
“Sometimes, without even telling [your kids] you’re doing it, if you start to sync your breathing with them … you create that space” for them to work through their emotions subconsciously, said Romer.
This strategy can work for adults, too. Brown said she’s learned breathwork techniques such as “box breathing” and “tactical breathing” by taking yoga classes.
“Anxiety is a very contagious emotion,” Brown said. “Calm is also contagious.”
These methods “prepare your physiology” and allow you to relax in the moment, Harvard-trained psychologist Daniel Goleman told CNBC Make It last month. “This actually shifts your physiology from sympathetic nervous system arousal, which is the stress and anxiety mode, to parasympathetic, which is the relax and recover mode,” Goleman said.
Reframe anxiety as excitement
Second, reframe anxiety as excitement.
“What [Wood Brooks] found was, instead of trying to calm down, it was easier to reappraise anxiety as excitement and say, ‘Look, anxiety involves uncertainty. Yes, it’s possible something bad might happen, but it’s also possible something good might happen,’” Grant explained.
In that study, people conducted a variety of anxiety-inducing tasks, such as public speaking. Subjects who were told to “get excited” were more confident and collected than those who were told to “calm down.”
Parents can do a similar exercise with their kids. While talking to your child, switch phrases such as, “I know you’re anxious, but…,” or “Let’s try to calm down,” to “I know you’re excited, and…”
The subtle tweak can make kids happier and help them be in the “best emotional space possible,” Grant added.
Harvard-trained psychologist: If you use any of these 9 phrases every day, ‘your relationship is more successful’ than most
Published Fri, Apr 7 20239:41 AM EDTUpdated Fri, Apr 7 202310:36 AM EDT
Dr. Cortney Warren, Contributor@DRCORTNEYWARREN
Every relationship has its rough patches. But what really matters is how you and your partner interact on a regular basis.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I’ve found that the happiest couples don’t avoid conflict — they navigate it by speaking to each other with appreciation and respect. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot of marriages end due to poor communication and an unwillingness to change.
So if you use any of these phrases with your partner, your relationship is more successful than most others:
1. “I appreciate your effort.”
It’s tempting to become overly focused on things you don’t like about your partner, and to point them out at every chance you get.
But it’s important to highlight the good in their actions. Happy couples express gratitude for each other’s efforts. It’s a great way to make everyone feel valued.
Similar phrases:
- “I appreciate that you work so hard to support our family.”
- “I’m grateful that you take the kids to school because it helps me get things done in the morning.”
2. “I like you.”
The healthiest couples don’t just love each other, they like each other, too.
Sarah Andersen for CNBC Make It
Loving someone is an intense feeling of affection; liking is about seeing them for who they are and acknowledging the attributes you enjoy about them.
Similar phrases:
- “I like that you are so passionate about staying healthy.”
- “I like how devoted you are to your hobbies.”
3. “Help me better understand this.”
We all have different upbringings, vulnerabilities, values and beliefs that shape how we think relationships should work.
If your partner reacts to a situation in a way that you don’t understand, telling them that you want to know them better is key to resolving conflict and bonding at a deeper level.
Similar phrases:
- “I don’t know why this is so upsetting to you. Please help me see your perspective.”
- “I want to work through this together, and I need to understand you better to do that.”
4. “I’m listening…”
Disagreements are inevitable, but it’s important to still support each other through active listening.
You have to be willing to suspend your desire to be “right” or to get your point across — long enough to hear and empathize with your partner’s perspective.
Similar phrases:
- “I’ll stop talking now and really try to listen to your point of view.”
- “I want to hear your side of things, even if we ultimately disagree.”
5. “I’m sorry.”
When things don’t go right or as planned, healthy couples know that both partners play a part in the situation.
Taking responsibility for our role in those conflicts — and genuinely apologizing — is critical to repairing rifts.
Similar phrases:
- “I didn’t communicate my feelings in a respectful way to you, and I’m sorry for that.”
- “I didn’t like the way you acted last night, but I also need to apologize for lashing out.”
6. “I forgive you. Can you forgive me?”
Forgiveness is hard. It requires being vulnerable, letting go of something that caused you pain, and changing your feelings towards your partner.
But studies have shown that couples who practice forgiveness are more likely to enjoy longer, more satisfying relationships.
Similar phrases:
- “I know we can’t change the past, so I’m actively trying to let it go and move forward.”
- “I made a mistake and I’m trying to forgive myself. I hope you can forgive me, too.”
7. “I am committed to you.”
Being in a relationship is a choice. Reassuring your partner that you’re still choosing to be with them and to work through challenges will help create a sense of safety and stability.
Similar phrases:
- “Even when times are tough, I still choose to be with you.”
- “I’m here and I want to make this work with you. We’re a team.”
8. “Let’s have some fun!”
If you can find humor (or playfully tease each other) during tense moments, your relationship might be stronger than you think.
The happiest couples are able to break tension and recalibrate the mood by finding room for an authentic smile, silly banter or a lighthearted joke.
Similar phrases:
- “We should get some fresh air. Want to do something fun today?”
- “I know I’m a lot sometimes. Let’s take a breather from the tough topics and watch a comedy.”
9. “I love you.”
This one is simple but always worth reminding. Verbally expressing your romantic love for one another keeps the relationship alive. And when you say it, make sure you truly mean it.
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and author of “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She specializes in marriages, love addiction and breakups, and received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School. She has written almost 50 peer-reviewed journal articles and delivered more than 75 presentations on the psychology of relationships. Follow her on Twitter @DrCortneyWarren.
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